I miss when…
I had that special someone who would call me in the middle of the night, having endless convos on the phone. Who would sing me to sleep. Who would give me handwritten love letters. Who could make me laugh nonstop at the stupidest things. Who would be by my side throughout the day, never wanting to leave. Who would assure me that everything was okay—that they loved me in return. Sadly, nothing ever stays the same. Shit happens. It’s hard not talking to someone who you spent months talking to every single day, nonstop.
New Experiences.
omg so like fuck. I almost got a ticket today for running a red light. and holy moly was i scared!!! like. i was just tryna make it through the yellow fucking light but then it turned red on me when i was gassin and omg. they called my ‘rents and so then they called me and my mama was all understanding about it but i heard my pops in the background like “you’re not driving anymore. i’m taking the keys away from you” and i just felt like shooting myself. like i was so scared i even started sweating so much. I almost died because i was so scared!! But then once i got home my parents weren’t even trippin.. well my mama kinda was but she was just like whatevz, go take a shower. yenno yenno. my dad was all happy just like, “just be careful next time, okay?!” and i was like “..so did i get a ticket or not….” and he was like “no, they just said to be careful. so be careful!” so i was like “oh aight coo.” and walked out of their room. shoot. i am one lucky gal. oh and i am almost officially employed!!! ^_^
Holding back.
Thousands of thoughts are running through my mind. I feel so distraught… So confused. I don’t know what the hell I should even do. I know it’s not healthy for me to bottle things up, but I just have absolutely no one to talk to nowadays. I keep to myself a lot. I’m becoming more bitter as I know it. I don’t like going out with my friends. I don’t talk as much as I use to. I’m just not myself. I don’t exactly know what’s gotten to me—is it you? Could it be…
Worthless.
Honestly, I’m confused. I really don’t know what I did to you to make you act this way towards me — acting as if I’m a no body now. I find it incredibly devious how I would do anything for you and be there for you at any time of the day, and yet you’re treating me like this? For no reason at all? I try to have a nice, decent conversation with you; but you reply back with meaningless, two worded answers and such. I ask to hang out and all you say is, “Sure.” as if you don’t want to yourself. If you don’t want to, then just tell me. I don’t get it. At all.
Changes.
It’s different seeing you now. When we first met, you questioned my presence. When we finally got comfortable around each other, we greeted each other with welcoming hugs and hello’s filled with excitement. When we began dating, we were genuinely happy talking to each other every minute of the day. When our fling began to head downhill, I pushed you away acting as if there was nothing there anymore… Which unfortunately brought you to move on to someone better. And now ever since, nothing’s been the same. I actually miss our friendship. Just a friendship, that’s all. When we met eyes today, I felt this tension between us. We didn’t speak to each other at all. Just awkward glances and giggles at the people around us. I just wish we weren’t so constricted around each other. I wish we’d just somehow befriend each other again. But I guess the damage has already been done and there’s nothing we can do to fix it now. ha
I’m tired.
Tired of having to deal with your constant put-downs. Tired of how pessimistic you can be towards me, and others around you. How you can be so blinded by the fact that the things you say, actually do hurt. How incredibly childish it is for you to make me feel as if I did something so wrong. Making everything seem so much more worse, than they actually are, being so overly dramatic. Basically, I’m tired of you.
I don’t care. I’m not ashamed. I know I don’t always make the best decisions, but it’s my life. I put myself in this position, I know. I knew the consequences coming from this experience. I saw it coming —it was bound to happen. I may have lost the trust of the people I needed it most from, but I really can’t take anything back. It’ll just take some time and doings…
If only you knew.
I tend to push myself away from others to prevent myself from getting too attached — anticipating the pain. If I feel like I’m not getting any reassurance from you, then I’ll be gone. If I ever feel like there’s no reason to even try, then good-bye. If I feel like I’m putting too much effort into something that seems impossible to even attain, then forget it.
So please, all I ask of you is to give me a little assistance, if I should stick around any longer or not.
I’m tired… Of everything.
Mentally and physically, I’m exhausted. I want something to bring thrill to my life. I need something new —perhaps someone new or just something new to do. I’m tired of the same old routine. I want to have more occurring spontaneous adventures with the people I love. Something out of the ordinary. Just something that’ll have my heart racing. Something…
“And I shall never love again.”
Personally, I don’t believe this is an understanding conception. Lately, all I’ve been seeing is posts about how girls will put up these walls that will be suppressed from being broken down again—how one heartbreak just leads to another.
Just because you were hurt before, doesn’t mean that you should have to close out all other options. Take it as a learning experience. Learn from your past mistakes, know what went wrong, and know what not to do in the future. Just let things come to you naturally. Obviously, you can’t control feelings from forming. It’s inevitable, really. And it’s also unfair for all of the other people out there who would be willing to do whatever it takes to win you over. It’s not only preventing you from getting into another heartbreak, but it’s also preventing you from being with a wonderful person who will cherish and make you at your happiest. Yes, I know this is just a possibility. I know the feeling of getting hurt—it’s painful having to move on—but know that everyone experiences these kinds of afflictions in their lives at some point or another. We all have to determine how to let go and move on. As always, it takes time to heal. Maybe it’s just me… But you’re just going to have to take the risk in order to receive what you really want.
Just because I’m being nice, doesn’t mean I like you.
Never once have I said I liked you. “I think you’re just playing me.” Excuse me? I didn’t know being friendly was a crime nowadays. I’m not toying with anyone. If you choose to take the things I say, the wrong way, then sorry. It wasn’t intended to be more than a buddy-buddy thing. Now, it’s up to you if you want to continue to speak because I’m not looking for anything more, but being friends with you.
