I miss when…

I had that special someone who would call me in the middle of the night, having endless convos on the phone. Who would sing me to sleep. Who would give me handwritten love letters. Who could make me laugh nonstop at the stupidest things. Who would be by my side throughout the day, never wanting to leave. Who would assure me that everything was okay—that they loved me in return. Sadly, nothing ever stays the same. Shit happens. It’s hard not talking to someone who you spent months talking to every single day, nonstop.

Can I just rewind and go back into time, to this? I miss how we used to be and how I knew you loved me in return. But now, everything’s changed. I question if you really want to be with me anymore… And if it’s even all worth the pain to hold on. I just feel so weak and pathetic.

When I'm losing hope.

Me:

I suck at wrestling... I don't even know why I'm doing it anymore :'(

Coach Nish:

You're doing it because you like the competition, you want to improve yourself, you know that it improves your character because things that DON'T kill you make you stronger, you want to set an example for your brother and show him that a person grows THROUGH adversity...and you want to be the best girl wrestler Coach Nish and Coach Li have ever coached! A friend of mine who lives close to the Hayward campus, came by to view some of the matches today. He said he saw a girl from AHS wrestle and he commented how skilled she was... Actually how well she handled herself. That wrestler was you... I know my friend is no wrestling expert, but isn't it great to know how impressive you are to a person outside of the sport who just sees an athlete and comments how well he thinks she is doing? ...You may think you're suckie because you had a bad day and lost some close matches, but don't throw it ALL in the toilet because of it...how do you think it makes us (me) feel if you think that you're not improving after I tell you are actually much better... I am not lying and I'm certainly not trying to fool or impress. You ARE better, and you have improved. You just had a bad day...Ok?

I’m exhausted.

I don’t know how I’ll manage my time with school, work, and wrestling any longer. On top of all of that (like that isn’t enough), I feel awful for not having enough time outside of school for my boyfriend. It’s frightening to see my test scores drop, to see that I’m beginning to miss more and more assignments… I need to focus. I need to have some sort of motivation again to bring myself back up. I need to get myself together. I can do this.

How many smiles can you fake when you’re trying so hard not to cry? How many texts have you wanted to send, just to say that one last “I love you”? When does it come the point when enough is enough… It just seems like I can’t take it any longer. There’s something different about you—I just don’t know what.

Hidden feelings.

I hate having to always pretend that I don’t care—that I don’t mind. I hate having to say everything’s okay, when in reality things actually aren’t. I hate how I have to keep lying to you, in order to keep us from getting into stupid arguments. I hate how I feel the need to keep you happy, over keeping myself happy. Can you not read between the lines? Do you not realize what I really mean? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe my subtle hints are too subtle. And maybe, I just expect too much out of you…

ASDFGHJKL;

I’m picking up my schedule for work today!!! :) Sho excited. I start working in two weeks!! I’m kind of nervous too. ommmqq, finna be eating hot dogs on a stick errydaayy!!! lol jk i still gotta watch my weight for wrestling :’( pooo. Balancing school, wrestling, and work. Let’s see how this will work out!

Had an absolutely wonderful day :)

Whoa, I haven’t posted anything about my days in ages! Well, school was usual. Nothing special about it. After school, eh. It was okay. After that, I got to hang out with the bestest boyfriend in the whole entire world! :DD We sat in my car for like 15 minutes just trying to think of something to do, but then he asked if I wanted to go to his place. I expected the usual, boring, quiet, awkwardly watching a movie kind of day.. But it was more than that. It was gurrreeat. :P I got to catch up with his mama and she tried giving me Lancôme makeup, but then you know how it’s awkward to accept things from certain people sometimes o_0 Yeah. I didn’t want to accept anything from her, but she’s such a sweet lady! <33 I also actually had a conversation with his pops for the first time in awhile. Then we played video games and watched Hot Tub Time Machine. And also had our first long, awkward kiss where our eyes were kept open and yeah. T’was funny. Such an extraordinary day <333 okay i feel like a faggot now lol

New Experiences.

omg so like fuck. I almost got a ticket today for running a red light. and holy moly was i scared!!! like. i was just tryna make it through the yellow fucking light but then it turned red on me when i was gassin and omg. they called my ‘rents and so then they called me and my mama was all understanding about it but i heard my pops in the background like “you’re not driving anymore. i’m taking the keys away from you” and i just felt like shooting myself. like i was so scared i even started sweating so much. I almost died because i was so scared!! But then once i got home my parents weren’t even trippin.. well my mama kinda was but she was just like whatevz, go take a shower. yenno yenno. my dad was all happy just like, “just be careful next time, okay?!” and i was like “..so did i get a ticket or not….” and he was like “no, they just said to be careful. so be careful!” so i was like “oh aight coo.” and walked out of their room. shoot. i am one lucky gal. oh and i am almost officially employed!!! ^_^

Today marks one year,

since you’ve been gone. One year. Seems like time flies by so fast… I miss your presence so, so much. I can hear your voice whenever I think about you still. I can still visualize all of our memories we shared. I can still remember how loud you would snore in the middle of the night. I can still remember how generous you were to everyone around you — how you would rather give, than to take. How we could always depend on you. Nothing’s the same anymore. Nothing at all. The pain of you leaving our lives is still the same. It’s hard not to cry when I think about you… How I’ll never be able to talk to you face to face again and how we’ll never know why you did it. It can be one year or a decade, the pain will never subside. May you rest in peace. I love you with all my heart. <3